Why Humanity Won the War: Charlie Style
by Charlie Sierra
Summary: My take on why the Humans won a war against a technologically and numerically superior alien species.


Haha, I am back! "So soon?", you might ask your self. Well, yes. Also, you might be aware that a 'Why Humanity Won the War' is already available. Well, I'm just not gonna beat around the bush and come right out with it. I wasn't satisfied with it. I'm very sorry Ranger24, but I have to be honest here. You guys can flame and spam me all you want, but I feel I can do.....better. God this honesty thing is hard. So, if you disagree, feel free to insult me and tell Ranger24 that I'm jacking his story and yadda yadda yadda. I don't care...sort of. If you're interested in what I could do, stick around. First a quick disclaimer.

Disclaimer: I don't own Halo, I technically don't own Why Humanity Won the War either. Seriously, if I have to ask Ranger24 to use this idea, someone tell me.

Now, let's talk about the one thing you always come across in the Halo Universe. Marines

You need to fight your way through an exploding ship to get to an escape pod? The Marines have your back.

You need to rescue your Captain from the clutches of an idiotic space race? Marines on their way.

Have to take down that Scarab? Marines can provide that needed distraction.

Need to infiltrate that Covie base? Fuck infiltrate, the Marines can help you blow up the front door.

Need a moment? Grab a Twix.

Marines are the mainline unit and backbone of the UNSC military. They can be seen basically anywhere the UNSC is. Like the Grunts to the Covenant. The only difference is, the Marines are actually useful.

_**Marine: **__(Whispering)_ "Covenant patrol up ahead. If we flank right we can take them out quickly without alerting other Covies nearby."

A Grunt on the other hand.

_**Grunt: **_"HUMAN!"_ (throws plasma pistol into nearby china shop and starts humping a plasma grenade. The plasma grenade turns on and destroys the whole Covenant squad, the fleet of Phantoms flying overhead, and the playground full of innocent little children)_

An incident similar to that resulted in the birth Josef Fritzl.

They're also noticeably less kickass when Master Chief is in the immediate vicinity. No one is quite sure why, but the prevailing theory is that in order to meet his personality's massive demand for badassery, he sucks up all the badass in the area.

**_Marine: _**_(Running around carrying two Assault Rifles and turning Brutes into swiss cheese) _"YEAH, MOTHERFUCKERS!! BRING IT ON!!!" _(Throws frag under Wraith and destroys it)_

**_Master Chief:_** _(Runs in carrying the Halo 3 pistol and an acorn)_ "I'm here to provide reinforcement to you"

**_Marine:_** "No! Chief! My badassness!!! NOOOOOO!!!" _(His badassery gets sucked into Master Chief's visor. He drops his second Assault Rifle and his bullets now have the effectiveness of frozen peas)_

_**Master Chief:** (Eats his pistol and throws acorn through Covenant Assault Carrier, splitting it in half and sending it crashing down onto the entire Covenant army)_

This is why the UNSC only sends him on suicide missions. They hope he'll die and give the Marines all their badassery back. Unfortunately, this fails due to the fact that even Elites have copious amounts of badass. During the events of Halo 3 he had stored up so much badass, he couldn't possibly be stopped.

Their sergeants have about twice as much badass as a regular Marine due to the fact they go into battle wearing a flimsy hat and use a Battle Rifle. They are a major provider of Master Chief's nutrients.

Marines also seem to like it when you drive your vehicle up a 45 degree ramp and turn in into a flying health hazard. Of course, given that the UNSC seems to now have most of Humanity's funds, their Workers' Compensation must be huge.

It also seems that the Marines at Reach were given armor made from God's beard. It is unknown why they discarded this armor after fleeing Reach, but it seems that they thought it was unfair to the Covenant.

Another good point for Marines, is that they're seemingly limitless. Like Grunts.

While Halo tries to make a point of pointing out how badly the Humans are outnumbered, the UNSC can always supply more Marines to back you up (and feed you your daily meal of badass).

The only thing you can count against their Marines is their vehicular skills. You can't trust them at the steering wheel while you're in the same car.

They drive a Warthog, they'll ram over every motherfucker in the way. You get on the turret, they'll drive past the Covenant and right over a cliff into a Flood nest.

They get into a tank, they'll blow up every pissant and make it home on time to dinner. You get onto the turret, they'll stand still, waiting for you to take the driver's seat.

They pilot a Hornet, they're pretty useful air support. You get onto the side, they'll head straight toward the hail of deadly anti-air plasma.

_**Me:**_ "Okay, I'll just get onto the turret and let them drive me there safely" _(Jumps onto the turret)_

**_Marine: _**_(Becomes instantly stupid)_ "HERP DERP IMMA GONNA RAMM RITE IN2 DA RAYTH AND MAEK IT GO BOOM" _(Drives straight toward the Wraith, rams up into the front and stays there)_

**_Me:_**_ (Desperately firing the turret into the thick armor of the Covenant tank)_ "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? BACK UP!!"

_**Marine: **_"Look at da pwetty buterflyy..."

**_Me:_** _(Mincemeat from the Wraith's turret)_

In conclusion, you can always count on the Marines to get the job done, provided you aren't around.

**Next: ODST's: Feet First into Your Face**


End file.
